Am I improving or accepting?

Keturah Charlesworth Author

This episode answers a listeners question about the contradiction between self improvement & self acceptance & I uncover how they can work together

Are you improving or accepting? This episode answers a listeners question “I'm working on my self-improvement but keep getting sidelined by the self-acceptance message the contradiction between improving myself and accepting myself feels like it makes me stop in my tracks what are your thoughts?”

I’ll unpack what self-improvement and self-acceptance are and share how that, rather than them being opposers to each other when we’re looking at self growth or positive change but that they can actually work together to create even more powerful results.

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Episode transcription:

Are self-improvement and self-acceptance actually opposite ends of the scale, or can they work together to make your transformations even more powerful? That's what I'm going to be talking about today after receiving a question from one of the listeners who would prefer to remain anonymous. However, this anonymous listener sent in the question: "I'm working on my self-improvement but keep getting sidelined by the self-acceptance message. The contradiction between improving myself and accepting myself feels like it makes me stop in my tracks. What are your thoughts?"

I love this question, and it is something that I've considered myself in the past. Am I improving or am I accepting myself just the way that I am? They can seem like opposite ends of a spectrum, but what I'm going to do today is hopefully switch your mindset up a little bit and maybe change your perception of what these two things actually mean so that you can see that when they are combined, they work together really well and can actually be incredibly powerful when you're working on yourself or any sort of transformation or self-growth.

So, what I'm going to do is pull these two things apart, redefine what both self-improvement and self-acceptance mean, and then start talking about how they can interact with each other, how they come together, and combine really well when you're looking at change and growth and deepening your understanding of yourself.

Let's start with self-improvement. I think the biggest thing that people struggle with when they're thinking of self-improvement, especially when comparing it to self-acceptance and imagining it as being the opposite end of the scale, is that we consider self-improvement to be an indicator that something is wrong, that something needs to be fixed, that it is less than or not enough. If you're starting with self-improvement with the mindset that something is wrong or needs fixing and you have some resistance to that, then it can be really hard to balance that with self-acceptance.

Depending on what is motivating your self-improvement and what that entails, it could be that your perception is a little skewed. If we look at self-improvement as part of ongoing self-growth, self-reflection, and deepening the relationship you have with yourself in whatever context that may be, then it is an ongoing practice. It's not something that you do once and move on from. For instance, if you're working on being kinder in general, that self-improvement doesn't end. It may become more natural as you do it regularly, and you might not need to reflect as often on times when you could have been kinder, but it doesn't end. You don't reach a point where you've done enough acts of kindness and can move on.

Self-improvement, in this context, is an ongoing, ever-changing, and ever-evolving process. It doesn't have an endpoint. So, if you're thinking of self-improvement as being on the opposite end of the scale from self-acceptance, then what are you not accepting? If it's a forever practice, it's a hard process to be in if you're resistant to acceptance. It shouldn't be seen as the opposite end of a scale because it's a lifelong practice. Self-improvement is perpetual, ever-changing, and ever-expanding. You might not always have the same motivators or outcomes in mind as you work through it, but it's an ongoing process.

However, if you're looking at self-improvement as specific, actionable goals with an endpoint, that might be where this barrier is coming up for you. If you have a specific goal with an end date in mind that aligns with self-improvement, and you consider that you will stop once you achieve this goal, then that might be where the clash between self-acceptance and self-improvement is happening for you.

Now, let's have a look at self-acceptance and dig a bit deeper into that to see if we can unravel this a bit more. What is self-acceptance? It's about acknowledging and allowing things to be the way they are right now, whether it is who we are as a person, our situation, our mindset, our limits, or our challenges. It is recognizing and acknowledging them as they are in the present.

I believe there's a difference between self-acceptance and settling. This is where self-acceptance and self-improvement merge together. Accepting isn't just going, "Oh well, this is the way it is." It is a positive approach to accepting the current situation. It's not always easy, and sometimes it means accepting things we prefer not to. But if we consider the opposite of acceptance, which is denial, we can understand how self-acceptance is actually the seed for change. Change doesn't come from denial; it comes from seeing the reality of the moment, accepting it, and then growing from there.

When I talked about self-improvement being ever-evolving, unless it's linked to a goal with a specific end result, it is constantly changing and not something you do once. If you resist acceptance, you're suggesting that acceptance only comes at an end result. You can only accept once you've achieved a particular outcome. But if self-improvement is perpetual, you need to accept every iteration, every moment, every change, every challenge, every strength, every improvement, and every positive growth. If you don't accept these things, you're stuck in a cycle where you can never actually accept anything. If you're not accepting, you're denying or resisting your reality, which makes using that platform to improve and grow really unstable.

Another place where some resistance or conflict between self-improvement and self-acceptance comes up is when we see people who accept themselves in areas where we want to change. While we are looking to improve certain areas of our lives, we may find people living happy, fulfilling lives who are actively accepting things about themselves that we want to change. This can cause friction. If we find self-improvement challenging, we might wonder if we should accept ourselves as we are and not try to improve.

Accepting things about yourself and choosing not to change them is brilliant if that is truly how you feel. Embrace that and use it as a catapult for self-improvement in other areas. But if you're looking at self-acceptance as an alternative to self-improvement, and if the improvement is important to you, then the acceptance you need to work on is accepting that you want to change and that it might be hard. Acceptance isn't always easier. If it doesn't align with what you truly want, then accepting whether or not to accept something could be the first step. Understanding what self-acceptance means to you in the context of the improvement you're trying to implement can help you see if there's a barrier, if it's acting as a denial, or if it's more comfortable for you.

I hope this gives you some different ideas and approaches to self-reflection around the self-improvement you're trying to implement. Consider your mindset around it, whether it's something with a specific end date, or if it's something you'll need as part of your self-improvement practices long-term. Also, think about what self-acceptance means to you in context with the self-improvement you are trying to achieve. Where is the friction? Why is it challenging to accept? Is your lack of acceptance because you feel you should accept things as they are without changing them, and does that resonate with you?

Reflect on whether the rub is that you actually want to accept things and work on self-acceptance instead of change, or if you think acceptance will be easier than the changes you want to make. Do some self-reflection to understand what is most powerful for you.

I hope that listening to this podcast has helped you define self-improvement and self-acceptance better and understand how combining these two can be powerful. Reflect and understand what self-improvements you want to make, and accept yourself through every iteration of the process. Acceptance can be freeing and provide a solid foundation for positive change.

I hope this helps clear up the contradiction you were facing between improving yourself and accepting yourself and that you can take some positive next steps in your growth. If you get stuck, feel free to email me at hello@coachgonerogue.com. If you have a question you'd like to submit to the podcast for a personalized reply, you'll find a link in the episode description where you can do just that. While you're there, why not click the follow button to stay updated on future episodes of Coach Gone Rogue?

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